1
00:00:01,168 --> 00:00:03,670
That was very nice, Mindy.
2
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,172
Okay.
3
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,549
Jake, we're ready to hear your report.
4
00:00:08,884 --> 00:00:12,054
- Jake?
- Just a sec.
5
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,431
Now, Jake.
6
00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:18,936
Okay, I'm finished.
7
00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:24,233
- Does spelling and grammar count?
- It's an oral report, Jake.
8
00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:26,401
Oh, so it's like an oral thermometer.
9
00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:27,903
Right.
10
00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:30,656
Good thing it's not a rectal report.
11
00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:34,910
- Just read it.
- Okay.
12
00:00:35,494 --> 00:00:37,788
"My Weekend, by Jake Harper.
13
00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,040
Grade five, Mrs. Flanigan's class.
14
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:43,210
Woodward Avenue Elementary School,
located on Woodward Avenue."
15
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,795
I'm not counting words.
16
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:47,631
Oh, good.
17
00:00:51,093 --> 00:00:54,638
"My weekend starts on Friday, when
my mom takes me to my dad's house.
18
00:00:54,805 --> 00:00:56,848
Which is actually
my Uncle Charlie's house.
19
00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:59,142
Who is my dad's brother,
making him my uncle.
20
00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:02,396
His name is Charlie, which is why
I call him my Uncle Charlie."
21
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,650
Anyway...
22
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:09,653
"Even though my parents are divorced,
they still get along. "
23
00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:11,029
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Dad.
24
00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:12,739
- How was your week?
- Just fine.
25
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:14,241
- Bye, honey.
- Bye, Mom.
26
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,910
- Thanks for bringing him.
- Bite me. What the hell...
27
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,663
...went on last weekend?
- What are you talking about?
28
00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:22,749
When I brought him home Sunday
night and served him dinner...
29
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,627
...he tipped me with a $25 chip
from Caesars Palace...
30
00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:28,630
...and told me I had a nice rack.
31
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,759
Well, Judith...
32
00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:39,766
...you do.
33
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,768
That's not the point.
34
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:44,771
Where'd he get the chip?
Where is he learning this behavior?
35
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,023
Hey, Judith.
36
00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:49,860
Looking good.
37
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:53,780
Run away, run away.
38
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,908
Did you give my son a $25 chip?
39
00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,661
- No, I did not give him a $25 chip.
- Happy?
40
00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:02,789
He won it, fair and square.
41
00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:05,459
You couldn't run away.
42
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:07,461
I don't care what you do on weekdays.
43
00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:11,089
But on weekends, remember you are
a role model for an 11 -year-old boy.
44
00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:15,010
Oh, that's a bad idea.
Who thought of that?
45
00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:19,389
I'm warning you. Things had better
change or there will be consequences.
46
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:22,142
Legal consequences. Got it?
47
00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:25,061
- Got it.
- Goodbye.
48
00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:33,570
"There will be serious consequences.
49
00:02:33,737 --> 00:02:36,781
Legal consequences."
50
00:02:36,948 --> 00:02:40,368
"I don't care what you do
during the week.
51
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,997
But on the weekends,
you're a role model."
52
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,167
I enjoy talking this way.
53
00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:51,463
As do I.
54
00:03:18,965 --> 00:03:20,508
"Friday night, I stayed up late.
55
00:03:20,675 --> 00:03:23,177
I watched all three Austin Power
movies with my dad.
56
00:03:23,344 --> 00:03:25,304
We ate Chinese food
and Buffalo wings.
57
00:03:25,471 --> 00:03:27,849
Dad fell asleep during
The Spy Who Shagged Me...
58
00:03:28,015 --> 00:03:31,102
...which, in my opinion,
is the strongest of the trilogy.
59
00:03:32,103 --> 00:03:34,522
By the way,
'shag' means 'sex' in England."
60
00:03:35,064 --> 00:03:36,858
Just read, Jake.
61
00:03:37,358 --> 00:03:38,693
That was a footnote.
62
00:03:39,235 --> 00:03:42,488
- Read.
- Okay.
63
00:03:42,655 --> 00:03:44,615
"I woke up later with a stomachache...
64
00:03:44,782 --> 00:03:47,410
...but felt better after
I went to the bathroom."
65
00:03:47,577 --> 00:03:48,995
If you know what I mean.
66
00:03:50,663 --> 00:03:52,373
- Jake.
- What? It's not like I said:
67
00:03:52,540 --> 00:03:54,125
"I took a dump."
68
00:03:59,505 --> 00:04:02,466
"Anyway, I tried to go back to sleep
but I couldn 't.
69
00:04:02,633 --> 00:04:04,260
Probably because I was thirsty.
70
00:04:04,427 --> 00:04:08,556
So I went into the kitchen for what
Uncle Charlie calls a 'virgin screwdriver. '
71
00:04:08,723 --> 00:04:10,975
But really it's just a glass
of orange juice.
72
00:04:11,142 --> 00:04:14,895
It was late, so I decided
to skip the glass. "
73
00:04:21,694 --> 00:04:23,321
Jake?
74
00:04:24,447 --> 00:04:26,574
Hang on.
75
00:04:29,493 --> 00:04:30,870
That one hurt a little.
76
00:04:31,787 --> 00:04:34,123
- What you doing?
- Having a virgin screwdriver.
77
00:04:34,290 --> 00:04:37,001
- Want some?
- No, thanks. I'm good.
78
00:04:38,044 --> 00:04:41,172
- What are you doing?
- Watching TV.
79
00:04:41,881 --> 00:04:43,799
Why isn't it on?
80
00:04:44,508 --> 00:04:46,510
Because I've seen this one already.
81
00:04:48,137 --> 00:04:50,348
- Hey, you wanna hear a funny joke?
- Sure.
82
00:04:50,514 --> 00:04:52,600
Why did the blond stare
at the juice carton?
83
00:04:52,767 --> 00:04:53,809
I don't know. Why?
84
00:04:53,976 --> 00:04:56,187
"Cause the carton said
'concentrate.'"
85
00:05:00,232 --> 00:05:02,068
That's okay. I didn't get it either.
86
00:05:03,235 --> 00:05:05,613
"The next morning
I was pretty hungry because..."
87
00:05:06,197 --> 00:05:07,573
I think you all know why.
88
00:05:11,243 --> 00:05:14,789
"So I had a bowl of cereal with my dad,
and we made plans for the day. "
89
00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:18,918
- You wanna go to the museum?
- No. I wanna watch TV.
90
00:05:19,627 --> 00:05:21,879
It's pretty windy out there.
Wanna fly a kite?
91
00:05:22,046 --> 00:05:24,090
No. I wanna watch TV.
92
00:05:25,341 --> 00:05:27,051
- Hiking?
- TV.
93
00:05:40,022 --> 00:05:41,524
- I'll get it.
- TV.
94
00:05:44,568 --> 00:05:46,487
"We decided to watch TV."
95
00:05:49,073 --> 00:05:51,867
- Hello.
- Is your name Harper?
96
00:05:52,034 --> 00:05:54,912
- Yes.
- Then this is for you.
97
00:05:58,791 --> 00:06:02,253
- Why'd you do that?
- Why did you sleep with my wife?
98
00:06:04,338 --> 00:06:06,590
Charlie.
99
00:06:11,303 --> 00:06:12,680
Busy.
100
00:06:12,847 --> 00:06:15,850
I don't care. Open the door.
101
00:06:17,726 --> 00:06:19,770
- I've got company.
- I know.
102
00:06:19,937 --> 00:06:22,022
And her husband's downstairs.
103
00:06:22,690 --> 00:06:24,650
Really?
104
00:06:24,817 --> 00:06:26,527
- You're married?
- Yeah.
105
00:06:30,072 --> 00:06:32,074
I'm not in.
106
00:06:32,783 --> 00:06:34,535
You have to come and deal with him.
107
00:06:34,743 --> 00:06:36,287
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
108
00:06:36,495 --> 00:06:37,997
I disagree.
109
00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:40,416
It's not up for debate.
He knows you're here.
110
00:06:41,250 --> 00:06:43,169
Oh, man, I hate when this happens.
111
00:06:44,044 --> 00:06:45,421
This happens a lot?
112
00:06:45,588 --> 00:06:47,673
Not a lot, but enough to be a drag.
113
00:06:49,633 --> 00:06:51,969
Charlie, are you coming back to bed?
114
00:06:52,511 --> 00:06:54,013
- Yes.
- Yes? No "yes."
115
00:06:54,179 --> 00:06:56,348
There is an angry husband
in your living room.
116
00:06:56,515 --> 00:06:58,350
How angry?
117
00:06:58,517 --> 00:07:00,477
- Is he packing?
- What?
118
00:07:00,644 --> 00:07:02,771
- Does he have a weapon?
- l... He has a stick.
119
00:07:03,314 --> 00:07:05,858
That's not good.
I could lose an eye.
120
00:07:06,025 --> 00:07:08,235
- Charlie! Come on.
- Fine, I'll wrap it up here.
121
00:07:08,402 --> 00:07:10,487
- Give me 20 minutes.
- Oh, no.
122
00:07:10,654 --> 00:07:12,156
A better idea. Wrap it up now.
123
00:07:13,991 --> 00:07:15,492
- Ten minutes?
- Now.
124
00:07:17,703 --> 00:07:20,289
We got five minutes.
125
00:07:21,332 --> 00:07:25,044
"The weekend was going great, but then
something really bad happened. "
126
00:07:25,210 --> 00:07:27,755
- Hey.
- Hello.
127
00:07:27,922 --> 00:07:30,674
- Who are you?
- I'm Norman.
128
00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:34,303
I'm Jake.
Have you seen my Game Boy?
129
00:07:34,470 --> 00:07:37,306
No. Have you seen my wife?
130
00:07:38,265 --> 00:07:40,809
No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
131
00:07:40,976 --> 00:07:42,311
Ditto.
132
00:07:45,147 --> 00:07:46,482
"I couldn 't believe it.
133
00:07:47,066 --> 00:07:48,484
I lost my Game Boy."
134
00:07:56,182 --> 00:07:59,102
"I couldn't find my Game Boy
in the kitchen or living room...
135
00:07:59,269 --> 00:08:01,354
...so I checked my bedroom
and my bathroom.
136
00:08:01,521 --> 00:08:05,775
Because, as you may recall, I'd spent
a lot of time in there the night before."
137
00:08:12,949 --> 00:08:16,119
- He'll be right down.
- Thank you.
138
00:08:24,002 --> 00:08:26,045
Can I get you a cup of coffee?
139
00:08:27,088 --> 00:08:29,674
Decaf. I'm already pretty enraged.
140
00:08:32,218 --> 00:08:35,054
Well, that's certainly understandable.
141
00:08:37,265 --> 00:08:38,933
I have cookies too.
142
00:08:40,518 --> 00:08:44,731
- I wouldn't say no to a cookie.
- Good. Come on in the kitchen.
143
00:08:44,897 --> 00:08:48,067
I always find a nice cookie
can brighten up even the darkest day.
144
00:08:48,234 --> 00:08:50,820
Yeah, well, this better be
one hell of a cookie.
145
00:08:52,405 --> 00:08:54,991
- It's a nice house you got here.
- Oh, thank you.
146
00:08:55,158 --> 00:08:56,492
Actually, it belongs to my...
147
00:08:58,536 --> 00:09:00,580
You live in the neighborhood?
148
00:09:02,540 --> 00:09:05,209
- Bel-Air.
- Oh, that's nice too.
149
00:09:05,376 --> 00:09:08,463
Gated community,
but the wife gets out anyway.
150
00:09:11,841 --> 00:09:13,343
Chews through her leash, huh?
151
00:09:16,137 --> 00:09:18,473
Hey, let me get you that cookie.
152
00:09:18,639 --> 00:09:21,934
You see like a nice fella.
I'm sorry I hit you with my stick.
153
00:09:22,101 --> 00:09:24,395
Oh, that's okay.
I'm sorry my brother is...
154
00:09:26,272 --> 00:09:28,691
That's okay.
155
00:09:28,858 --> 00:09:31,027
So women, huh?
156
00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:33,321
Can't live with them.
157
00:09:36,324 --> 00:09:38,159
That's all I got.
158
00:09:38,326 --> 00:09:40,328
- You married?
- Divorced.
159
00:09:40,495 --> 00:09:43,706
- She sleep around?
- No, mostly just slept.
160
00:09:45,291 --> 00:09:46,626
You're lucky.
161
00:09:46,793 --> 00:09:50,713
There's no pain greater than being
betrayed by the woman you love.
162
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:54,050
You know, these are really very tasty.
163
00:09:54,759 --> 00:09:56,385
Aren't they?
164
00:09:56,552 --> 00:10:00,056
- Good morning.
- Oh, speaking of tasty cookies...
165
00:10:00,223 --> 00:10:02,767
...Norman, this is Berta.
166
00:10:02,934 --> 00:10:05,436
- Hello.
- What is this, a fix-up?
167
00:10:08,523 --> 00:10:10,817
No, no. Nothing like that.
168
00:10:10,983 --> 00:10:13,027
That's good,
because I'd probably kill him.
169
00:10:16,864 --> 00:10:19,992
Nothing personal, Cotton Top.
I just kind of like it rough.
170
00:10:25,331 --> 00:10:28,876
- Have another cookie.
- Thank you.
171
00:10:29,043 --> 00:10:31,504
So is anybody gonna tell me
what's going on?
172
00:10:31,671 --> 00:10:33,673
Well, it's a little complicated.
173
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,842
- Charlie...
- Got it.
174
00:10:37,134 --> 00:10:38,553
Got it? How could you get it?
175
00:10:39,428 --> 00:10:42,139
There's a Rolls-Royce in the driveway...
176
00:10:42,306 --> 00:10:45,852
...and I found these
hanging on the mailbox...
177
00:10:46,018 --> 00:10:49,188
...so I'm guessing that your brother's
got some bimbo upstairs...
178
00:10:49,355 --> 00:10:51,816
...and Norman here is her daddy
or her sugar daddy.
179
00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:55,027
- Tell me I'm wrong.
- I'm the husband.
180
00:10:55,194 --> 00:10:56,654
Judges?
181
00:10:59,490 --> 00:11:03,369
- You gotta give it to her.
- Yes.
182
00:11:03,536 --> 00:11:05,871
- I mean, tough break.
- Thank you.
183
00:11:06,038 --> 00:11:08,082
- You got a gun?
- No!
184
00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:09,959
- Want one?
- Berta!
185
00:11:11,877 --> 00:11:13,462
I'm making small talk.
186
00:11:15,756 --> 00:11:17,091
Okay.
187
00:11:17,258 --> 00:11:19,594
You wanna talk this out like gentlemen,
or you...?
188
00:11:22,722 --> 00:11:24,974
You might've mentioned
he fought at the Alamo.
189
00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:31,564
- No offense.
- None taken.
190
00:11:34,191 --> 00:11:36,444
- Does that make us even?
- You tell me.
191
00:11:37,612 --> 00:11:39,238
Okay. One more.
192
00:11:42,950 --> 00:11:44,285
How about that?
193
00:11:44,452 --> 00:11:47,955
- He poked you, you poked his...
- Berta!
194
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:51,876
What? How often do you see
that kind of symmetry in life?
195
00:12:01,969 --> 00:12:03,304
Hey.
196
00:12:04,638 --> 00:12:05,973
Hello.
197
00:12:06,140 --> 00:12:08,059
Were you just up in
Uncle Charlie's room?
198
00:12:08,225 --> 00:12:10,227
- Yeah.
- Did you see my Game Boy?
199
00:12:10,394 --> 00:12:11,437
No.
200
00:12:11,604 --> 00:12:13,606
- Did you see my husband?
- The old guy?
201
00:12:13,773 --> 00:12:15,441
- Yeah.
- He's in the kitchen.
202
00:12:15,608 --> 00:12:18,319
Thanks.
203
00:12:20,279 --> 00:12:22,239
Well, that's weird.
204
00:12:22,406 --> 00:12:24,617
If I was a Game Boy,
where would I be?
205
00:12:26,452 --> 00:12:30,164
I am so sorry.
I had no idea that she was married.
206
00:12:30,331 --> 00:12:33,542
I have a firm rule when it comes
to sleeping with married women.
207
00:12:33,709 --> 00:12:36,629
Yeah, if she's firm enough,
he'll do her.
208
00:12:41,425 --> 00:12:43,719
Sorry. Isn't there something
you could clean?
209
00:12:43,886 --> 00:12:47,056
I'm guessing you could
use a good scrubbing.
210
00:12:49,183 --> 00:12:51,185
Wait a minute.
211
00:12:52,478 --> 00:12:55,564
"And suddenly I realized...
212
00:12:55,731 --> 00:12:58,317
...I might have left it
in my mom's car."
213
00:12:58,484 --> 00:13:01,654
Hey, Mom, did I leave
my Game Boy in your car?
214
00:13:01,821 --> 00:13:03,656
Well, can you go look?
215
00:13:03,823 --> 00:13:05,991
Can't you just dry off
and put on a robe?
216
00:13:06,450 --> 00:13:08,744
There's another $25 chip in it for you.
217
00:13:11,247 --> 00:13:14,166
She wasn't wearing a ring.
There was no mention of a husband.
218
00:13:14,333 --> 00:13:16,293
Is that supposed to cheer me up?
219
00:13:16,460 --> 00:13:20,047
- No, no, no. I just wanted you to know...
- Now, now. I get it.
220
00:13:20,214 --> 00:13:23,843
You're a nice guy,
and I married a skeevy tramp.
221
00:13:24,009 --> 00:13:27,179
No, no, no.
I mean, yeah, I am a nice guy...
222
00:13:27,346 --> 00:13:29,431
...but I'm sure Annette
is a lovely woman.
223
00:13:29,598 --> 00:13:31,851
Her name is Natalie.
224
00:13:32,434 --> 00:13:36,146
- Really? You sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.
225
00:13:36,313 --> 00:13:39,275
Because I've been yelling
"Annette" all night.
226
00:13:39,441 --> 00:13:42,236
Her name is Natalie.
227
00:13:42,403 --> 00:13:45,239
Well, then maybe this is all
just a huge misunderstanding...
228
00:13:45,406 --> 00:13:48,450
...and I've been upstairs
doing someone else's wife.
229
00:13:48,617 --> 00:13:53,205
Five-foot six, long brown hair,
butterfly tattoo on her left hip.
230
00:13:53,789 --> 00:13:56,041
Left hip, huh?
231
00:14:02,631 --> 00:14:05,885
Hold on now.
A lot of women have butterfly tattoos.
232
00:14:07,177 --> 00:14:11,181
But the one I slept with also had a little
beauty mark in a certain intimate place.
233
00:14:11,348 --> 00:14:13,350
I'm not here to claim a lost wallet.
234
00:14:15,728 --> 00:14:19,732
Okay, let's just assume it's her.
Again, I am really sorry.
235
00:14:19,899 --> 00:14:22,651
It's my own fault anyway.
236
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:25,070
I should've realized
back when I married her...
237
00:14:25,237 --> 00:14:28,198
...a man my age couldn't satisfy
a woman that young.
238
00:14:28,365 --> 00:14:31,952
If it makes you feel any better,
I couldn't ring her bell, either.
239
00:14:32,119 --> 00:14:34,580
- You couldn't?
- You don't know me...
240
00:14:34,747 --> 00:14:36,665
...but there's things I don't kid about.
241
00:14:37,583 --> 00:14:40,085
So it's not just me.
242
00:14:40,252 --> 00:14:41,629
- That's a relief.
- Tell me...
243
00:14:41,795 --> 00:14:43,797
...about it.
I was killing myself up there.
244
00:14:44,965 --> 00:14:46,300
So anyway...
245
00:14:46,467 --> 00:14:47,801
...are we okay?
246
00:14:47,968 --> 00:14:50,971
You mean, aside from the fact
that you just rolled off my wife?
247
00:14:51,138 --> 00:14:53,891
Oh, yeah. We're aces.
248
00:14:55,392 --> 00:14:57,811
Good. Thank you.
249
00:14:58,145 --> 00:15:01,565
- Can I give you a little advice, kid?
- Sure.
250
00:15:01,732 --> 00:15:04,068
I was a player once, like you.
251
00:15:04,234 --> 00:15:06,445
Do tell.
252
00:15:06,612 --> 00:15:10,574
Does the name Tuesday Weld
mean anything to you?
253
00:15:11,742 --> 00:15:13,535
No.
254
00:15:14,119 --> 00:15:15,871
Joey Heatherton?
255
00:15:16,038 --> 00:15:17,581
No.
256
00:15:18,499 --> 00:15:21,585
The immortal Miss Anne Francis.
257
00:15:23,629 --> 00:15:25,756
TV's Honey West.
258
00:15:27,674 --> 00:15:30,511
- Sorry.
- Well, look them up on your Internet.
259
00:15:30,677 --> 00:15:33,263
They were all hot, and I nailed them.
260
00:15:35,724 --> 00:15:38,811
Really. Well, kudos.
261
00:15:40,145 --> 00:15:42,189
But nothing lasts forever.
262
00:15:42,356 --> 00:15:45,734
There's going to come a time
when you'll wanna settle down.
263
00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:48,570
And I only hope you don't make
the same mistake I did.
264
00:15:48,737 --> 00:15:50,197
I picked a young hottie...
265
00:15:50,364 --> 00:15:53,992
...because I figured I'd die in the sack
with a smile on my face.
266
00:15:54,493 --> 00:15:57,121
That's my retirement plan.
267
00:15:57,287 --> 00:15:59,581
But it doesn't work that way.
268
00:15:59,748 --> 00:16:02,334
What happens is...
269
00:16:03,043 --> 00:16:05,212
...you get your heart broken...
270
00:16:05,379 --> 00:16:07,798
...and you wind up having
coffee with some putz...
271
00:16:07,965 --> 00:16:09,925
...who never heard of Honey West.
272
00:16:12,511 --> 00:16:14,138
Got it.
273
00:16:14,304 --> 00:16:15,722
Thanks for the advice.
274
00:16:16,348 --> 00:16:17,975
Well, I'll be getting home now.
275
00:16:18,142 --> 00:16:21,562
I got lawyers to call, locks to change.
276
00:16:21,728 --> 00:16:24,773
Maybe I'll stop at the market,
pick up some of those cookies.
277
00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:27,860
- Here. Take the box.
- Oh, thanks.
278
00:16:28,026 --> 00:16:30,988
Looks like I'm the big winner
around here today.
279
00:16:35,784 --> 00:16:39,663
- Hello? Anybody home?
- Hello.
280
00:16:41,165 --> 00:16:43,542
- Hello. Who are you?
- Norman.
281
00:16:43,709 --> 00:16:46,086
Oh, hello, Norman. I'm Evelyn.
282
00:16:46,795 --> 00:16:49,381
Is that your magnificent Rolls-Royce
out in the drive?
283
00:16:49,548 --> 00:16:51,091
Why, yes, it is.
284
00:16:51,258 --> 00:16:53,427
- Are you a friend of Charlie's?
- No.
285
00:16:53,594 --> 00:16:55,846
But my wife is.
286
00:16:56,722 --> 00:17:00,225
Did my son polish your trophy wife?
287
00:17:02,644 --> 00:17:04,813
Well, you seem
like a very intelligent man.
288
00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:06,982
I assume you had an airtight prenup.
289
00:17:07,149 --> 00:17:08,483
Bulletproof.
290
00:17:08,650 --> 00:17:10,360
You know what, Norman?
291
00:17:10,527 --> 00:17:13,572
You look a lot like my fifth husband.
292
00:17:13,739 --> 00:17:17,200
Really?
How many times you been married?
293
00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:19,453
Four.
294
00:17:21,914 --> 00:17:24,249
Cookie?
295
00:17:24,416 --> 00:17:27,628
"When Grandma came over,
I thought things couldn't get any worse.
296
00:17:27,794 --> 00:17:29,463
But instead of making me visit...
297
00:17:29,630 --> 00:17:33,050
...she gave my dad money to take me,
my uncle and Berta to the movies.
298
00:17:33,508 --> 00:17:36,345
We saw the Rob Schneider movie
where he plays a stupid guy.
299
00:17:36,511 --> 00:17:39,514
I had popcorn, nachos
and two jumbo red Slurpees.
300
00:17:39,681 --> 00:17:42,476
But as you know,
you don't buy Slurpees. You rent them."
301
00:17:46,980 --> 00:17:49,733
- Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
- Cool your jets.
302
00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:52,778
And if you can't cool them,
point the nozzle away from me.
303
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:56,740
Oh, God. Mom!
304
00:17:57,783 --> 00:17:59,493
- We can't go in right now.
- Why not?
305
00:17:59,660 --> 00:18:03,288
Because I can't afford to send you
to therapy for the rest of your life.
306
00:18:03,455 --> 00:18:05,749
What's going on?
307
00:18:05,916 --> 00:18:09,419
- Oh, God!
- What? What, what, what?
308
00:18:09,586 --> 00:18:13,423
Good for Norman.
That's getting right back on the horse.
309
00:18:13,590 --> 00:18:16,677
- There's a horse in there?
- No, no. No horse.
310
00:18:16,843 --> 00:18:20,138
- Well, I still have to pee.
- So go water that bush over there.
311
00:18:20,305 --> 00:18:22,432
"And so I did.
And it just goes to show...
312
00:18:23,016 --> 00:18:25,268
...it's always
in the last place you look."
313
00:18:25,769 --> 00:18:27,479
Very nice, Jake.
314
00:18:27,646 --> 00:18:29,981
"Then on Sunday,
we all went out for breakfast...
315
00:18:30,148 --> 00:18:31,733
...with Grandma and Uncle Norman.
316
00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:35,529
I had chocolate-chip pancakes
with blueberry syrup and bacon.
317
00:18:35,696 --> 00:18:38,657
Dad had scrambled eggs
but with no yolks. Just the whites.
318
00:18:38,824 --> 00:18:40,784
They looked like mashed potatoes.
319
00:18:40,951 --> 00:18:45,497
Then the kid next to us threw up
his waffles. It was awesome."
320
00:18:48,006 --> 00:18:50,926
- So, what's new in school?
- Almost got an A on my paper.
321
00:18:51,468 --> 00:18:52,970
What do you mean "almost"?
322
00:18:53,470 --> 00:18:55,180
Got a C.
323
00:18:57,850 --> 00:19:00,269
Okay, that's... That's fine.
That's an improvement.
324
00:19:00,686 --> 00:19:02,771
Minus.
325
00:19:02,938 --> 00:19:04,606
Still, here's your dollar.
326
00:19:06,358 --> 00:19:08,444
You're paying him for a C-minus?
327
00:19:08,610 --> 00:19:12,197
That was our deal. A buck for every C,
a car for every A.
328
00:19:13,574 --> 00:19:15,909
- A car?
- Safest bet in the world.
329
00:19:17,369 --> 00:19:20,831
- So, what was the report about?
- What we did last weekend.
330
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,713
- No kidding?
- Yeah. And guess what else happened.
331
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:31,008
Trevor Griffin saw a ginormous rat
in the cafeteria.
332
00:19:31,175 --> 00:19:33,969
Yeah, but about the paper.
333
00:19:34,136 --> 00:19:37,264
You wrote about everything
that happened here last weekend?
334
00:19:38,223 --> 00:19:40,934
Well, everything but the boring stuff.
335
00:19:41,101 --> 00:19:43,604
Oh, this could be problematic.
336
00:19:43,770 --> 00:19:46,273
No, it's called "summarizing."
337
00:19:51,236 --> 00:19:53,238
- Can I see it?
- Sure.
338
00:19:53,405 --> 00:19:57,493
But it's at Mom's house.
I gave it to her to read this weekend.
339
00:20:00,287 --> 00:20:02,623
He's 11.
There's no way it stands up in court.
340
00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:08,962
Does this smell funny to you?
341
00:20:34,780 --> 00:20:36,865
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group
342
00:20:37,032 --> 00:20:39,117
[ENGLISH]